1) The most important piece about counseling is not the technique.
The most important part is the relationship and the trust. You’re better off with a therapist that you like and trust than a therapist who may have a lot of book knowledge: years of research indicate that “factors such as empathy, warmth, and the therapeutic relationship have been shown to correlate more highly with client outcome than specialized treatment interventions.”
2) Therapy is perfect combination of hard science – and art.
In the past fifty years there has been a lot of good scientific study about psychotherapy. The science tells us a lot – but human beings aren’t cookie cutter replicas of each other, and a good counselor holds both the knowledge and wisdom of years of scientific studies, and the skill to artfully know how to apply it to each client – with their history, values, communication style – in a skillful way.
3) A lot is going on in those silences that seem so uncomfortable.
“OMG the therapist isn’t talking. What was I going to say? My mind is blank. I had all this stuff to talk about! Uh oh. Now I’m giggling. I wonder if I’m blushing? Holy crap. Someone say something…”
Silence can kind of make us panic. We often want to fill up that space. But letting the silence be, relaxing into it, can help us get in touch with what’s important. The mind going blank can actually mean that we’re getting close to an issue that has been ignored for a long time. There’s a wonderful line in the Shambhala Buddhist teachings that says “The process of seeing truth is a process of letting go.” Mind goes blank? No one’s talking? Let go. Relax.
4) Confusion is good news!
The more we pay attention to an issue, the more confused we can feel. This is similar to the experience in meditation when we slow ourselves down – only to experience our brain speeding up.
It’s not really speeding up, it’s just now that we’ve stopped to look at our mind, we’re surprised at how fast it actually goes. When we turn our attention to an issue or a challenge that we haven’t really looked at – we may find ourselves confused and/or distracted. Years of habitual patterns try to keep us from really paying attention. The resulting confusion though actually means we’re getting close to the real issue – and that’s a good sign!
5) Therapy can complicate your life. (Sorry).
As we move towards clarity in our life, we may begin to see other aspects of our life in a different way. We may realize that we need a different job, a different relationship, more healthy friends and less toxic contact with family members. We may need to address some issues with loved ones head on – or close a door to a relationship altogether. We may need to start doing stuff that makes us uncomfortable: taking care of ourselves, exercising (or slowing down the exercise), having that talk with your boss…
But all these complications lead to a life that’s steadier and less brittle. And that’s a good thing.
