Five Ways Your Relationship SHOULD Be Hard. And Five Ways It Shouldn’t…

We’ve all been told that relationships are hard – and that’s true. But sometimes it’s difficult to know if the relationship is hard because it’s working, or is it hard because it’s just not a viable relationship.

In a viable relationship, the hard work pays off. In a relationship that isn’t working, the hard work that we put into it can almost feel like a self-inflicted injury – or at least like a constant struggle without any support or benefit. Feelings like that indicate that something needs to change.

Here are some examples:

Ways a relationship should be hard:

1) Relationships are inconvenient.

Your partner needs a ride to/from the airport/work/friend’s house/store when you have other plans, but you offer your partner a ride anyway because you know your partner would do the same for you.

2) Trust is actual, hard work.

Trust is not something from outside of our self that someone gives us – it’s not like a pill that we take. It’s not an excuse to close down or ignore what’s going on in our relationship and our own experience. Trust is built over time. It’s a willingness to risk disappointment, and even pain, in pursuit of genuine connection, and that takes work.

3) Relationships are hard when, at the end of the day, you have to be willing to crawl into bed with someone that you’re mad at.

But you do it, because the desire to be to in the relationship is stronger than the need to be the one who is right.  Also, your experience of the relationship so far has shown you that you’ll be able to work through it.

4) Letting go.

Over and over and over again: tough work.

5) Honesty takes work.

Leaning into conflict takes work. Changing the way you’ve always done things to accommodate another person in your life is tough.  Negotiating those changes takes work. But you do it – because the payoff is worth it.

Ways a relationship shouldn’t be hard:

1) It shouldn’t be hard because there is physical violence.

Ever.

2) It shouldn’t be hard because both of you are angry all the time.

3) It shouldn’t be hard because you’re walking on eggshells.

This can be related to anger (see #2), or because you are constantly put in a “damned if you do or damned if you don’t” position.

4) It shouldn’t be hard because your partner gives priority to past relationships or current friendships over you.

It’s one thing if your partner is good at remaining friends with ex’s – it’s another if that relationship takes priority over your feelings.

5) It shouldn’t be hard because you constantly doubt the genuineness of your feelings.

It’s natural to wonder if this relationship is working during the first weeks of any new phase of the relationship (becoming exclusive, moving in, etc.). It’s a problem if you have to continually convince yourself that you love this person and want to be in relationship with them.