Loss hurts. But loss is also what it means to be human. Grieving is the path through loss, the path to becoming more fully human. Through loss, as we grieve, we deepen our humanity.
That’s the big picture.
On a day to day level, loss is disorienting and physically painful. We may find it hard to sleep, hard to eat, hard to make decisions. For some, it gets even harder when the shock has worn off, when the funeral is over, when everyone else around us goes about their day as if nothing has happened. And then, you begin to feel that perhaps, you too should be going about your day “as if” nothing has happened. As if your dad didn’t die, as if the love of your life were still with you every day, as if your best friend hadn’t taken her own life.
In my work at the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, I work with military kids and families after the the service member has been killed, died, or committed suicide. For ten years now I have accompanied families through their grief, and I have seen first hand the healing that can occur when grief is allowed, when you don’t have to act “as if” nothing has happened, or, “as if” things are now back to normal, even though your husband is gone or you best friend was buried last month.
Acting “as if” lacks integrity. It’s empty, and it comes with a heavy price. Healing takes courage. It takes courage to mourn, it takes courage to say “It’s been a year and it still hurts.” It takes courage to lean into our pain and to be with it, to tend it, to hold it.
And what does healing look like? It looks like love. It looks like life. It looks likes wisdom.
For each of us it is different, but there are some shared characteristics. Peace returns. We discover new meaning in life. Often, our heart is bigger – and softer, and stronger. It has the ability to hold both more pain and more joy. We re-evaluate our life and begin to really pay attention to the things that truly matter to us. We move from mourning their loss to honoring their legacy.
Most of all, healing means integration, NOT “getting over” or “getting through.” We have a hole in our life. We can pretend it’s not there, or try to fill it with other things/people/activities, or – we can let it become a doorway through which we allow the truth of impermanence and being human to enter. It’s up to us.
