Earlier this month I was teaching a meditation program at the DC Shambhala Center and was reminded of a very important concept that arises out of the teachings on mindfulness. In this first month of the New Year that is usually awash with New Year’s resolutions to meditate more/smoke less/eat better/etc, I was very aware of its timeliness: the very first step in changing our habitual patterns is developing gentleness towards our selves and our experience.
The very first thing we need to do in order to change is to be kind to ourselves. Imagine that! Not beat ourselves up, not hold ourselves to a standard higher than we’d ever hold anyone else, not aggressively push through to the next level, not even make of list of things that need to change, but – develop gentleness towards ourselves.
The exact formula is actually this: kindness towards self plus daring to move beyond our comfort zone equals the ability to create the discipline to sustain that change.
When you think about it, we do this quite naturally with others. For example, combining feedback with kindness when we’ve worked up the nerve to confront a loved one, or the firm yet gentle hold on a child while we cross a busy road through traffic. So the trick is to figure out how to do this for yourself.
For me, combining gentleness/kindness/warmth with daring/taking risks is where the spark happens. Without those two together, the formula falls apart. If we’re just kind, we may be prone towards “idiot compassion,” letting ourselves off the hook, getting mushy. If we’re just daring, we may become too aggressive, too harsh, too solid. Each of these not only tempers the other, but it creates something larger – discipline, which, in the Buddhist teachings, is the seed of joy.
As we move into 2016, lets remember that we have both the softness of the heart and the strength of our backbone – with those two together, we can move forward to create the change we want in our lives.
