This time of year, the days are shorter and the nights are longer. We wake up in darkness, and by the time work is over, night has already arrived. This post is for the people for whom this is more than just an analogy, for the people who feel like putting up lights and decorating is a mechanical chore, who feel lost and alone at the holiday parties, who beat themselves up for not being able to celebrate the way others around them are celebrating.
This may be the first year without a loved one (spouse, partner, child, sibling, best friend) by your side. Or maybe there was a death three years ago, and others think that you should have moved on, and on the outside you have, but inside, there is still grief. Or maybe the loss was nine years ago, but this was his favorite holiday, and you dread the memories of lighting the candles or putting up the tree without him.
And maybe the details just don’t matter: the rest of society is joyful and making merry, and you’re wondering how you are ever going to make it to January.
First rule: remember there is no rule book for how to get through the holidays if you are grieving. Be gentle to yourself. Extend yourself the grace to figure out how you’re going to do this. January will come – you will get through this.
Second, there are basically three things you can do: keep things the same, do different things/change things, and take a break. Often, the holidays may become a mix of those – we create new traditions to honor the memory of our loved one, we leave some out that are too painful or have lost their meaning, and we keep some traditions just like before.
Keep Things the Same: Sometimes, there is comfort in the familiar. Doing things you always used to do may make you feel close to your loved one, or maybe it’s just easier doing what you always used to do, because you’re too numb to try to figure out something different. If that’s the case, then going with the flow and know that not changing things up may be a way to take care of yourself.
Change Things Up: While some traditions may be comforting, others may just be too painful, and it is completely fine to leave those by the wayside. Social situations can be awkward: you may not feel like being around a lot of people, or, a lot of people may feel awkward around you and not know what to say, making it even harder for you.
You want to add something that you’ve not done before. For example, at a holiday dinner, you may want to light a candle in remembrance of a loved one who is not there. Or get a group of close friends together and go raise a holiday toast to your loved one.
Take a Break: One of the moms I worked with told me that for a couple of years after the death of her husband, she felt obligated to put up the tree, decorate the house, cook the food, so that her kids could have a “normal” Christmas. One year, her older daughter said to her “Mom, none of us are having any fun…” And now, at Christmas, they travel. They save up through-out the year, and enjoy themselves by the ocean in warm climates over the holidays. They know that their dad is enjoying knowing that they are all having a good time, even if it doesn’t mean a tree and stockings.
One caveat to this: don’t isolate. You may not be feeling the holidays, and you may decide to forgo holiday gatherings, but don’t isolate. Have your best friend over. Talk to family members. Keep in contact. If you have kids, remember that they NEED to play to process their grief, so finding outlets for them to engage with others will be important.
Remember this: holidays are a work in progress. They will roll around again next year. Take whatever break you need. Change things up. And remember what you do this year may be different from what you do next year. And – what you do this year may become a new tradition for your family for years to come.
While there is no rule book for grieving through the holidays, here are three helpful tips:
DO communicate: if other family members are involved, acknowledge the loss and the grief, and talk about how all of you would like to celebrate. Not mentioning it may seem like the right thing to do, but ultimately, this just leads to awkwardness.
DO have a plan B in place. Plan B is the friend of the grieving. This is an especially useful tip for social engagements. Let’s say there’s a traditional, annual family gathering, and you kind of want to go. Go – drive yourself, and know that you don’t have to stay through the entire thing if you don’t want to. Or don’t go – you’re plan B could be to stay home, or meet a friend for coffee instead (don’t isolate – see above!).
DO set realistic expectations for yourself. The holidays are stressful for everyone – and much more so if you are grieving a loss. If you are the one who hosted Christmas dinner, please ask for help. If you usually head up the office holiday party – let someone else try that this year.
The internet is full of resources. Simply search “Grieving through the holidays” and you’ll find amazing articles by hospice groups, grief.com, and this one, by What’s Your Grief, “64 Tips for Coping With Grief Through the Holidays.” If your loss is loss by suicide, this article, Surviving the Holidays After Suicide Loss may be particularly helpful.
Move slowly. Take naps. Reach out.
Spring is coming.
