Any time anyone comes into my office with questions about their relationship, there are always three things that I look for.
- Attraction! Are you mutually attracted to each other? Is there a strong friendship? Is there a good connection?
- Skills – how good are the communication skills? Do you both share the same level of emotional intelligence? Do you fight well, travel well, relax well together?
- TIME. #1 and #2 are both easily sustained over a short period of time. I mean, any one can have the hots for each other for a month or so 😆! I want to see what happens once the novelty has worn off; do you have the skill to sustain that attraction over a longer period of time?
Often, after a break up, you can look back at the relationship and see that only one or two of those elements were present. For example, often the attraction is there – but the skills to maintain that attraction were not. “I really thought this would work – we were so connected!” Yep. You can definitely have the attraction and the connection – but not the skills to maintain the intimacy that the connection brings (I often see this – the connection is definitely there, but for one partner that connection can be frightening, and they don’t have the skills to work with the fear, so they disappear).
I’ve also heard this: “We got along so well. We communicated clearly, we argued well, we traveled well together…but I just wasn’t attracted to him. I kept thinking that would develop, but it never did, and I thought our ability to communicate would be enough…”
These three are like the three legs of a stool – without all three, you’ve got an unsteady seat! Put the first two together, multiply that by time, and you’ve got something solid.
